His Friends Want Me Now

[This question was received by email.]

What is it about me that makes my ex-boyfriend’s friends always flirt with me?  If that makes any sense!  9 times out of 10 my boyfriends “good” homey wants to take me down.  I don’t carry myself like a hoe, and it happens so often it can’t be a test all the time.

The Answer: This is likely a combination of things.  When men find good women–good in bed, who know how to treat us just right, etcetera–we often tell our friends.  This is especially true in the beginning when we are not thinking that this will turn into a relationship.  One of the primary drives for men to chase women is the ability to tell a story.  We want to have a good story to tell our friends.  If the story is good enough, invariably, a friend or two are gonna ask how serious we are about the woman.  If we say that we are not that serious, we are giving our friends permission to try their luck; hence, you keep getting tried.

This also has a lot to do with competition.  Every man wants to feel like he is the best thing to ever happen to any woman he has ever come across.  There is always a man in waiting to take a man’s place.  When we see attractive women walking with a guy, we size up the guy and decide whether we can outshine that guy if given the chance.  If we know something about the relationship, say, she is really good to him and he’s treating her like crap, we are even more likely to try the woman because men like the idea of being the saviour.  Now, you have to imagine that your ex-boyfriend was being completely honest with his friends about how good you treated him and how bad he treated you.  And while he was doing that, his friends were slowly developing the desire to save you from him.  This does not mean that the friend will treat you any better, but this is a fantasy for the man, so reality is not important here.

Also, do not underestimate plain old envy!  It’s a powerful emotion.

This really has less to do with you than it does your ex-boyfriend.

BD